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stupid stupid stupid...



Well this past week my focus was off. 

Gym: I missed Sunday because I was traveling and then Monday / Tuesday with a Migraine, but I went Wed and Friday.  So I am going to have to stay on it this week because I am not seeing my trainer (this is an off week)

Reading:  I didn't really get to read much, but I started the cds and had to listen to them daily and did listen to them daily.  So it seemed I unknowingly switched my focus.  I want to continue to read more, but I am going to have to listen to the cds daily still so it will be alright.  I just have to keep pushing forward. 

I am not going to account it as a complete loss since I did do the cds daily so that will be good.  I got another book, but it is too late to read it now so I will read it tomorrow I think.  I really like the Dorothy of Oz  manga.  I bought the second one and will probably read it tomorrow and get the others from Amazon.  


So I got a cold sore on Friday that was seven blisters almost an inch long.  Since then it has turned into a giant scabby disgusting mess over an inch long on my lower lip by the corner of my mouth.  I added to that a near mental break down on Sunday night where I had panic attacks that left me physically shaking in bed unable to sleep.  To that we add a migraine because someone up there must just 'love' me and my period coming in a few days and we get...Collapse )


Focus: Week 2 recap and intro on Week 3

Week 2 recap:
While I was successful on week one's goal, week two seemed to have gotten a bit confused.  First I was making a ton of crafts for an event on Saturday so I only managed to read twice this week.  So for week 3 I am going to keep my week two goal (of reading more).  

Week 3
I am going to be reading more during the week.  I want to read at least 3 times if not four.  I am also going to be listening to a cd set I purchased and following that on slumberinglotus for those who are interested.  That has to be done daily so I am going to have to be very regimented which might make reading 3 times a bit harder, but I am not giving up. 

Today I had a migraine and was feeling miserable so I stayed home.  I got less than an hour of sleep Sunday into Monday and was throwing up with a migraine.  My head is still hurting at the moment, but I don't have time to stop going.  SO I am going to be logging off online and then going to listen to the part of the 2nd track again and then going to bed.  


7 Things Meme

Taken from crystaltear 

7 things I want to do before I die:
1. Learn another language fluently
2. Learn to cook Japanese and Chinese foods
3. Travel
4. Swim with dolphins
5. Get to a healthier size
6. Be a published author
7. Find my soulmate (Stealin straight from Ct)

7 things I can do:
1. Sing fairly well
2. I am the queen of the nap
3. Tell jokes/stories
4. Annoy my friends
5. Come up with neat threads for stories / rp
6. Embarrass myself and others in public
7. CT: Eat a sleeve of cookies in one sitting Me: I'll see your sleeve and raise it to a box...

7 things I can't do:
1. Ice skate
2. put on my bra behind my back
3. Deal with spiders
4. Climb down tall ladders
5. Talk to dead people
6. Drive a car with an manual transmission
7. give up my silly things


Too much at once

Alright crystaltear  I need some of your sage words...

I am ready to absolutely scream.  I had a good day, a nice exercise and even go out shopping and within a matter of 2 hours from a family member and a friend I am ready to scream.  I didn't read, but that is alright because I got to the computer way later after doing crafts and being out shopping at target.

But now I have negativity (and got some w/o them realizing) and it makes me doubt and question myself when I shouldn't.  It makes me feel alone and makes me wish I had someone of my own. 

I hear about a relationship that is new and then questions from the family saying about their own lack of companionship and reasons why they don't want one.  Which just made me feel paniced because they were quite blunt with me with some things and I see no hope for me with one ever now.  

Then I could scream.  It's like talking to a wall and I just like blew up at a friend.  Something needs to snap her out of it, but I doubt anything will.  She could do so much.  She has one things I don't (age, skinnier, prettier) and instead of fighting to do something with it she just like gave up and it makes me envious.  It drives me wild.  I just wish I could grab her and shake her and go you still have so much time before you end up where I am with a degree in a job that doesn't care if you have one or not bloody alone with nothing.  I know she has challenges and I am not saying she doesn't, but... so does everyone else (including myself) and I just can barely keep my head above water some days... when she gets like this... I don't even know why I fight to stay alive because I feel like I have less.  Because I know the things that hold me back.  I know my fears.  Hell, I doubt I could even get a new job at the moment for as fat as I am.  Who would want me to be doing job interviews, or trying to recruit people or anything like that the way I look.  And ya I'm trying to do something about it, but then yippie... I have gross flaps of skin cause that is so much better.  And who the hell knows if I will be successful and manage to keep it off if I do lose it in the first place?! 

I can honestly say that at the moment I feel a hole in my chest and I wish I could just plunge a knife in it.  Just plunge it in and twist it and twist it over and over until the emptiness went away.  Until the hole was gone.  Until I was gone. 


Focus for week 2

Focus Week 1 Results: 
I was quite pleased with the results of my first week of trying to focus.  I had started out with the gym and enjoying my time there and seeing it as something good.  I went 4 times to the gym this week and enjoyed it.  The trainer had wanted me to go on Thursday as well (or walk at home outside), but I didn't.  I was having headache issues and that was her goal not mine.  I accomplished mine and will go tomorrow to do 30 minutes of cardio and I am going to go Mon, Wed and Thursday this week because I am going away this weekend to see my aunt.  I can do some cardio there (I think they have an exercise bike and/or I could walk around they have some nice property).  

But since i was doing well and not complaining I think I did that goal quite well.  I am going to continue on with my gym desires because I enjoy them.  

Focus Week 2:
So my new focus is going to be on something I've wanted to do which is read more.  I seem to get caught in the computer and poking around on sites, but I have a bunch of mangas that I want to read (and one coming in that interested me) so I am going to try to read for at least 30 minutes 4 times this week.  I know I will be able to do that on Saturday because we Mom, my aunt and I are going to be at a sale selling stuff so I will have a lot of time to be reading that day, but there are so many other days I have as well. LOL  


Focus - Week 1

Focus 1
Week: 1

*Breaks out the pom poms*
S - U - C - C - E - S - S  that's the way I spell Success!!!!!

I went to the gym today (without being blech about it) and did my cardio bit and then had time with the trainer and first she told me my food looked like I had been approving, then she added that I seemed to be improving with my stamina (before I started to turn red and ready to die LOL) and on top of it.  She told me 'Alright one more time on with the exercise ball and we're done' and I blinked and went 'really?' because I had no idea that the 30 minutes was done with!!!

*does the happy dance of joy*

It completely made up for the crap start to my morning and it put a huge smile on my face as I headed out of the gym.   *waves those pom poms*

I am feeling a bit up at the moment and I am going to hold onto it as tight as I possibly can.  Yay me!!!

Focus Week 1

Week 1:
Focus 1: enjoying the time at the gym

Today I went out early to help a friend and then ended up going to work then the gym.  I mostly enjoyed the treadmill and the bicycle, but when I went to do my "weight/resistance" training I wasn't as pleased.  It was a lot busier than normal and the area that we do our training part had a bunch of people.  It was so busy that some of the personal trainers were taking their clients over to the boxing area to work there in a more undisturbed location.  

I do feel I was successful at the gym.  I was literally dripping with sweat and someone talked to me and I responded well.  I know he was trying to be nice and motivate me, but I was nearing the end of my work out and just wanted to finish and go to clean up and have dinner so as he kept talking I just kept hearing 'blah blah blah' and was contemplating bouncing the exercise ball off of his head to see if he'd get the idea.  I shouldn't be so anti-social, but when I am sweating and disgusting like that I am not in the mood to socialize.  At least he was trying to be nice and even though I wanted to be grouchy I was pleasant in return (at least as pleasant as one can be when sweating like a pig).  

So thus far this week I have gone to the gym twice.  I am not going tomorrow.  My core is sore and achy and I am not up for another "fun" day there.  I will go on Wed and Friday and I think that will be my week.  Wed I have my appointment with the Trainer.  As sick as it sounds I am anxious yet excited.  Anxious that she will see my food journal and not realize how really hard some of those days were (I turned down Shirley Cake today.... Pistachio Shirley cake!!!!) and excited because I know that I will learn something new and it will help me improve myself.  She does motivate and make sure I do not do something in the wrong position (which I fear I do at times).

I think I am moving forward and am not feeling overwhelmed (another good thing) so I will keep moving forward and re-evaluate my situation come friday to see if I need to keep this focus or if I can add another goal in.


Week 1 Focus 1

Week 1:
Focus 1: Enjoying the gym when I go and am not seeing the trainer.

I wasn't sure I was going to make it today.  I was up until 3 am and really thought I was going to just end up being a schlub, but somehow I managed to get myself up and head out.  (Go me).  I got there and decided that I wanted to try the bike and to read Bride of the Water God.  Now the trainer had said that I couldn't keep doing the same thing each time so today I hit Random and put in 45 minutes.  I tried to read (with my iPod in) but I am not sure if the plot was too sophisticated that I had to be able to concentrate more (instead of bouncing) so I gave up on reading and just road the bike.  I only was able to do do it for 30 minutes, BUT I went 10.78 miles in those 30 minutes so I was pleased.

I didn't sort of enjoy it, though I was sad I wasn't able to read while biking.  I might be able to do it if it was an easier manga, but we wil have to see.  I at least went there and followed through.  Now Mon, Wed and Friday and I'l have gone 4 times this week!!!  So we have 1 down 4 to go.  :)

I am also doing a watch/rewatch of Honey and Clover with CT, Mouse and some others.  I viewed the first episode and am about to watch the 2nd.  So far it seems interesting and I am catching on (I think)  I can always rewatch parts if I am not sure.